as it stands, her present life and state of mind are too fragile to be recorded properly. should they solidify, perhaps they can one day be seen. . . so, while she writes this current missive, containing words she would want to give the woman she recently lost, i shall show her telling of what few know. thus, i leave you with the story of something approaching a broken heart.

may dreams be sweet in fearless hearts,
-sláinte

my dearest camille,

it feels like forever since i've talked to you, or even tried. last april, i got your message after i sent you the books and the cd, but i called back and you weren't there. it seems unreal that i can't actually talk to you again, you know. i'm only writing because my hands won't keep still, and there's a bunch of letters i saw somewhere and they inspired me to do what i should have done a long time ago. as if i could ever apologize enough for not being there when you were deciding to leave the world and see your mom and everything. and i know you didn't want me to see you like that, stuck in bed, swollen knees, oxygen, dialysis... i wouldn't have thought you were weak, i know you never were. i always thought you were stronger than me. and all you had from me then were those two postcards from europe. the one with the two older women at the cafe - i thought how cute they were and that it could be us one day, it made me smile. but when i came back, i didn't halt my entire life when i had the flickering vision of you in a hospital, i didn't hop in my car and go to your house and ask where you were. i never saw you in your wheelchair with the punk bumper stickers on it. i had no idea. well, i think i called once and no one was there. . . . i can't remember now.

it's just amazing though, when i woke up at 2 am on wednesday and at 4 am on thursday, shivering uncontrollably and scared beyond reality, the two nights before you died. both times, i thought, i need to talk to her, i should go see her on monday. friday and saturday i slept fine. then sunday, that's when i found out, even though really i should have felt it on friday at 7 - i just remember being happy and peaceful that day - they said you were happy too, you know.

cami, i wish you could have seen my reaction...if you've never seen the heart poured out of someone faster than light, it was something amazing. losing the entirety of your future plans, the person you intended to spend the rest of your time with, who you signed a cute little engagement paper with, who you bought rings with and storytold the cute, sweet future with. the memories are still all there, seeing you at school when you'd yell "mine!" and run up to me and we'd almost fall over together. . . our non-dates which we pretended were really dates when people asked us. . . those nights i told you stories so you could fall asleep when you were still pissed about dying prematurely. . the name of the little girl we were going to adopt, the jobs we'd have, our silly picking up milk from the store conversations. . . and the best dream, when one day we could say to eachother, "let's go home now."

you know what i think about everything, all of it is still with you.

today i'm missing the feeling i had when we were together, the pure simple ease of it, how we didn't have to talk at all. and when we did talk, it knit everything back together for me, showed me that we're on the same page, that as usual our lives are completely and perfectly parallel, that we're right. no one else understands what you do, really gets what i think about time and fate and life and death. now it's like being in the dark and looking for a light switch that i actually have to reinvent in order to use it. who would want to listen to my soul-kinship theories anyway. . . you were the only one who knew the chills of certainty as well as i did.

sometimes i think you're really the only one i'd ever want to be with if anything like marriage was going to happen. it would only have worked with you, and you are lost to me for now. listening to the music you used to play for me causes tears in my eyes. it's ridiculous how sentimental i've gotten lately. maybe i'm taking on all your girl qualities, because i also nearly wanted to wear a dress recently. well, it can't be that bad, since i always did want to be just like you. it must be up to me to be like both of us from now on. . .

in all lives,
yours